2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
