my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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