I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
