i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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