Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
