I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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