Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
