I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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