he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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