You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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