As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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