would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
