Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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