6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's shark week go big or go home
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
