five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
