u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
