her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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