If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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