wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
