frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
