Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
