My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
