tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
