I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Randomize
