You smell like a Billy Joel song
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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