I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
