I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
