You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
