I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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