i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
