When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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