I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize