I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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