You don't have asthma, your pregnant
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
