Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
