The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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