i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
