My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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