He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize