My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
