The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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