I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
