I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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