I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
