I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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