she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
