i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
