i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
