I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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