Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
