I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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