I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
