if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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