I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
