Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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