she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Drake has all the answers
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
