3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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