She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
