i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
