is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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