My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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