Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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