Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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