i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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