I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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