So drunk its hurt
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize