I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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