totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize