i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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