He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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