Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
