I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
