i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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